Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
