eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Boobs speak an international language.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
