I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
