How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I pour the whiskey from now on
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
