I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
