My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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