pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
