Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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