i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
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It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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