Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
