Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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