...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize