i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
