operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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