Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
