Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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