The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
