You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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