I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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