your thong is hanging out like whoa
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
