Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
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you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
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I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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