Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
