did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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