Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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