i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
