I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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