I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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