he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
