You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
