thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
