We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
