watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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