She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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