how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
