I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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