just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
