I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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