So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
