my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
