It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
