maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
