conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
