I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
