glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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