does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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