His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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