sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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