I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
