I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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