The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
