I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
