Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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