Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
