It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
