I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
