I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
