i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
