To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
