I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
